The Bear Scene

•October 16, 2008 • 2 Comments

It had to be brought up eventually.  What does this scene say about Nic Cage?  What does it say about the American psyche?  Does it prove that Daffy was a better duck than Donald?

The scene opens with an ostentatious parade featuring women in animal masks.  It is clear here that they symbolize American society in a chauvanistic way- that we have become “women” but hide this behind feral masks.  They parade around in these feral masks so as to satisfy their egos and believe that they are men.

However, Nic Cage intends to show the duality of man, and disguises his masculine handsomely sculpted self in a bear suit (Bear fact #1: Bears eat entire trees whole), which is of course less manly than he truly is, creating this dichotomy of America being women disguised as more masculine animals versus a single man being very manly and disguising himself as less of a man.  Bear fact #2: bears are born cute cubs, but go into cocoons before emerging as fearsome warriors rather than cute cubs.  Or so I’m told by a reliable bear expert.  (I believe that is what “rrooar rroar  rrr” means in Kodiak, but it could also mean “I want a salami sandwich.”  Can I get a Kodiak expert to confirm this?)

That Cage is able to slip into the parade so easily says that America is blind and foolish, and far too caught up in itself to notice being duped.  Nic Cage says something to his secret lover, a girl behind a bunny mask, perhaps along the lines of “I want to snort coke off of your jawline.”  I can’t be sure, my soundcard doesn’t work.  Finally, the parade arrives at a bonfire.  Someone is talking, probably about voting for liberals, or maybe about this new pair of shoes they got.  My lip reading skills are lacking, especially with YouTube videos.  At this point, Nic Cage runs up to the bonfire and punches the woman talking.  Really decks her.  Stars and stripes are all they both can see, the ones of glory for him, and the ones of dizziness and a concussion for her.  This was a blow for true America!  America, dammit!

Here I stop watching.  Quite frankly, the clip is complete.  The bear-man won, and showed that it’s okay to be masculine and beary.  Bear fact #3: Bears have 19 fangs, each razor sharp with serrated edges and dripping with poison.  Also, no, I have not seen the film, thanks for asking.


What Could’ve Been

•September 28, 2008 • 1 Comment

Believe it or not, Nic Cage was at one point set to play Superman.  I say this with much sadness, for that never came to pass.  Superman Lives, which would’ve been set to release in 1998 would have featured Cage as Clark Kent/Supes, an all black suit, a giant spider, and polar bears.

Why did this masterpiece never get made?

1) It became a toy show.  For the Superman suit, kids were brought in to decide which variant of a black suit they should use based on its toyability.

2) Tim Burton is kind of a douche.  He was hired to direct the script Kevin Smith (Clerks) wrote.  And so of course he had a huge rewrite done.  And was a jerk to Kevin Smith.  And almost doubled the budget from $100M to $190M, spending $30M on almost nothing, since the script never even ended up finished.

3) Nic Cage is better than Superman.

Bangkok Dangerous: Fake Review

•September 11, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I, sadly, have not seen Bangkok Dangerous yet.  I possibly won’t until the weekend, or maybe ever.  Given these depressing facts, I have decided to review Bangkok Dangerous regardless of whether or not I’ve seen it.  So here we go.

The film starts off staring into Nic Cage’s piercing blue eyes.  This is a serious man.  The camera zooms out, was looking in the mirror of a public bathroom in non-descript Asian country and splashes water on his face.  He picks up a suitcase and leaves.  A man falls through a stall door, blood spills out.  This is how the movie begins, the intro credits roll.  The intro scene here establishes that “Joe” is serious business.  And when you get tangled up into serious business, you get killed while sitting on the toilet.

After the intro credits (filled with Joe walking through non-decrypt Asian streets which we’ll assume are Hong Kong) are done, Joe speaks. “My name is Joe”.  We’ve all heard the line from the trailers and the theater goes wild.  This man is serious business.  He explains that he was once the world’s greatest salsa dance, but someone stole his groove.  Thus he became a hitman in an attempt to get it back.  He only has a few vague clues as to who took it, where, and why.  A white feather found floating in the air, a Hawaiian shirt that says “Made In Hong Kong”, and a plane ticket to a non-existent airport.

After years of hunting Asia for the maker of the shirt (which he has since started wearing with some khaki pants after selling every other article of clothing he owns), he has almost given up, when he meets a beautiful local who remembers making the shirt as a young girl in a sweatshop.  Now this may seem a bit coincidental, but remember, he’s serious business.  He gets stuff done.  The girl tells him she was under the employ of a ring of groove thieves whose goal is to to make the single greatest salsa dancer of all time and that they are even more serious business than he is, and that he should not go fight them because she loves him.  So now, Joe is faced with a decision: love or salsa dancing.

However, the solution is presented in a fantastic way- the ring is coming for him.  2 ninjas break through a window and attempt to slash him to bits.  Of course, Nic Cage is having none of this and finds that his old salsa moves come in handy when dodging crazed ninjas.  Then it hits him- he has had the groove all along- in his heart.  However the ring of groove stealers has kidnapped his Asian girl while he was fighting off the other ninjas.  There is a lady to save and a score to settle. The last shot is him walking into their headquarters with two handguns at his side and a walkman playing Sway by the Perez Prado orchestra.  “He then says “This is what I do.”  He’s serious business.


Thoughts: Joe is a serious man and means serious business.  The fusion of salsa and gunplay makes for jaw-shattering visuals, and Nic Cage’s acting is top notch.  I don’t know the name of the Asian actress who plays his lover, but she could’ve been replaced by a squeaking mouse for the same effect.  The directing is fantastic, and the allusions to both Hemingway and Dostoyevsky are spot on.

Overall rating: Five flaming Nic Cage skulls

An Update on Bangkok Dangerous

•September 8, 2008 • Leave a Comment

So tomorrow I’ll be seeing Bangkok Dangerous.  I’m thrilled.  Seriously.  I can’t remember the last time I was this excited about a movie.  Even my excitement for The Dark Knight doesn’t compare.  Whether it’s the hair, the awful fantastic diaglogue (“My name is Joe.  This is what I do.”) or the completely believable premise (hit man falls in love with a local woman and bonds with a local boy and decides to quit).  Or perhaps the amazing premise for the film as a whole: Let’s remake a ten year old movie that takes place in Asia with all Asian actors in an Asian setting but swapping out the lead Asian actor for…Nic Cage.

What else am I excited about with it?  Well, it’s leading the box office right now, beating out Tropic Thunder, House Bunny, and the Dark Knight.  Suck on that high budget films featuring respected actors.  And you too House Bunny.  It also has a 12% on RottenTomatoes, the review site aggregator.  This is 12% more than I expected.  

So maybe we get to see Nic Cage’s ass?  One can only hope.

Analyzing Nic Cage’s Face

•September 2, 2008 • 1 Comment

While the hair is a very important part of what makes Nic Nic, the face is even more so.  It takes a talented man to suck all the emotion out of a face and make it as dour as possible.  A very very talented man.  So I’ll be breaking down his face into parts to understand how he does it.

The forehead

At first glance, it is not a particularly unique forehead. The saddest thing you’d notice immediately would be the receding hairline and strange shape. But look again. I’ve put the forehead through an infrared filter to bring some subdermal qualities to light.

Yes, that’s right. His forehead is unhappy.  Well, on to the eyes.

The eyes.

The Saddest Eyes In The World

The Saddest Eyes In The World

Nic’s eyes are tragic.  They look at you and you just want to run to the pet store and buy some kittens and puppies to feel better.  But how are they so sad?  For starters, they widen and tilt down at the outside edges.  They’re slightly puffy to give the impression of imminent crying, but not immediate.  And the green blue color is so pure and  heartbreaking.

The Mouth

I give up.

I’m going to go cry.

Ruminations on hair.

•August 29, 2008 • 1 Comment

As my associate Arik pointed out in a previous post, Bangkok Dangerous hits theaters Friday. Arik also, however, posits that Nic’s hair looks “so good” which seems like a bizarre thing to say, since it’s actually terrible.
What… what is that? It’s not a mullet, I guess, but… well, it’s certainly not anything any respectable man would wear.

Of course, this is far from the first instance of such social deviance on the part of Nicholas Cage’s hair.
That’s from Next. It’s similar to the hair sported in BD, but with a bit more of a curly, pubic-type nature to it.

And just go a little earlier to see another of his great sins, featured in Ghost Rider.
Is… is he trying to look all bad? Rockin’ the leather and the bike and the sass-face and some kind of would-be rad hairstyle? Take note that even when his entire head become a skull wreathed in flame, the hair is not destroyed. It magically regenerates after a hard night of riding bikes and self-immolation. I like to think that the hairless look of the skull represents Cage’s scalp’s future, whereas the hair he sports the rest of the film represents his hair’s past/denial stage.

Now, looking at such evidence, and considering the movies they appear in (I feel no guilt in judging Bangkok Dangerous as crap prior to seeing it), I have developed a theory:

The quality of a Nicholas Cage film can be determined by the state of his hair.

Above we have three examples of Nic attempting to seem sexy and hip via the arrangement of his numerous (but dwindling) hairs. It doesn’t really work out, of course: He just looks kind of foolish and laughable, and somehow the whole movie suffers for it. But let’s take a look at the other end of the spectrum:

The Weather Man:

Matchstick Men:

Nic’s on the left in that last one, by the way.

In those movies, we see hair free of false attractiveness. Seriously, look at his Kaufman hair: fuzzy, unappealing. His weather man look is equally unappealing. And in Matchstick Men, though not at all unkempt, it’s at least denial-free: receding, boring, mundane. And what do these films have in common?

They’re all three really, really good. Seriously, Adaptation’s one of my favorite movies ever, easily.

Now, I’ll admit this isn’t a foolproof method of quality detection. For instance, in the terrible National Treasure movies, Cage’s hair actually looks pretty inoffensive. However, I would like to point out one thing:
Nic’s wearing the same hair as Jon Voight. I guess to illustrate that they’re related. It doesn’t prove much, I just thought it was funny.

Now, I’ve been arguing that Nic Cage’s hair is how we determine the quality of any one of his movies. But I’d like to go a little further with that idea. Why limit it to Nic?

Tom Hanks and his hair as they appear in The Da Vinci Code. His hair is doing the same thing that Nic’s is so prone to do, but worse. So, so much worse. Now, get ready for the big shock, and a major spoiler for that movie if you somehow didn’t see it: It sucks really, really hard. Like, one of the worst two hours you’ll ever spend in front of any kind of media (unless, of course, you’re reading this very slowly. Then I guess that’d be an even worse two hours. But bear with me here.)

And further down the rabbit hole we go…
That, of course, is Keanu Reeves.

I would like to put forth the idea that Misters Hanks and Cage are trying to emulate that bold, long haired style.

It’s easy to understand why; Keanu’s a successful actor. He’s been in many blockbuster films, he’s still a hit with the ladies, and hell, even with the dudes (Point Break is entirely rad, and so is The Matrix). Why wouldn’t they, in their older and less attractive ages, want to look a bit more like the Hollywood hunks they’d like to be?

But there is a problem: Tom Hanks and Nicholas Cage are talented actors. While both have been in their share of truly terrible movies, they’re still both fine performers. Keanu Reeves, meanwhile, has almost exactly no talent. He delivers lines in the manner of a machine gifted with speech. While in a few decent films (Chain Reaction, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the two mentioned earlier), the rest are largely horrible.

When the hair of the untalented sits upon the heads of the gifted, problems arise. The universe becomes confused; the film becomes rapidly unwatchable. And the most talented actor in the world can do nothing; by my reckoning, Laurence Olivier couldn’t act himself out of that hair’s power.

So next time you see a potential blockbuster picture advertised, remember my words. Study the star’s hair. You may dodge a bullet.

Of course, I only just now realize that Arik was maybe just being sarcastic. In that case, disregard the above post.

Other Things Mr. Cage Would Be Good At

•August 29, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Nicholas Cage is a fantastic actor, there is no denying that.  But say all acting, whether TV, film, or play, disappeared.  What would he do?  What could he do?

For starters, he’d be a great radio announcer, whether as a DJ for a country radio station (Can’t you just hear him saying “And now the lovely sounds of Tim McGraw”?) or a radio announcer/color commentator for a baseball team (provided the only colors needed are shades of gray).  He has that wonderful midrange incredibly sardonic voice that would make every play sound exactly the same.  “Horseshit, he just hit a grand slam against our team.  Did anyone hear the new Outkast single yet?”

A hair product model. The man has a fine mane.  And by fine mane, I mean it’s ridiculous(ly sexy).  And by hair product, I mean Rogaine.  His hair is beautiful, he just needs to replenish it.  And who better to help sell that same replenishing stuff than him?  “Remember my terrible bald spot in Bangkok Dangerous back where there was still acting?  I fixed it.”  That could be the whole testimonial.  It’d sell right off the shelves.  I’d buy it and I have a full head of hair that’s not going anywhere for some time.

A carpenter.  All great men are either carpenters, or have the potential to be great carpenters.  Jesus was a carpenter, Saint John, Lord Viswakarma, Harrison Ford, Adam Carolla. These are all famous men who are carpenters.  Given Nic Cage’s equivalence on the Knapp-Morris Greatness scale to all but Harrison Ford, he could also be a carpenter of enormous talent.

A hair stylist.  Not selling products, but using them- and on other people too!  Imagine the amount of hairtastic Cage rage we’d see on the streets.  Awkward mullets, semi-slicked back hair covering bald spots, etc.  It’d be the best of every single decade.  Ever.

You have any suggestions as to what Nic Cage could do if acting ceased to exist?

(Note: this is entirely theoretical, since if acting ceased to exist and Cage continued to exist, he would merely invent [or should I say re-invent] acting as he is the true master of it and controls its very essence.)