Other Things Mr. Cage Would Be Good At

Nicholas Cage is a fantastic actor, there is no denying that.  But say all acting, whether TV, film, or play, disappeared.  What would he do?  What could he do?

For starters, he’d be a great radio announcer, whether as a DJ for a country radio station (Can’t you just hear him saying “And now the lovely sounds of Tim McGraw”?) or a radio announcer/color commentator for a baseball team (provided the only colors needed are shades of gray).  He has that wonderful midrange incredibly sardonic voice that would make every play sound exactly the same.  “Horseshit, he just hit a grand slam against our team.  Did anyone hear the new Outkast single yet?”

A hair product model. The man has a fine mane.  And by fine mane, I mean it’s ridiculous(ly sexy).  And by hair product, I mean Rogaine.  His hair is beautiful, he just needs to replenish it.  And who better to help sell that same replenishing stuff than him?  “Remember my terrible bald spot in Bangkok Dangerous back where there was still acting?  I fixed it.”  That could be the whole testimonial.  It’d sell right off the shelves.  I’d buy it and I have a full head of hair that’s not going anywhere for some time.

A carpenter.  All great men are either carpenters, or have the potential to be great carpenters.  Jesus was a carpenter, Saint John, Lord Viswakarma, Harrison Ford, Adam Carolla. These are all famous men who are carpenters.  Given Nic Cage’s equivalence on the Knapp-Morris Greatness scale to all but Harrison Ford, he could also be a carpenter of enormous talent.

A hair stylist.  Not selling products, but using them- and on other people too!  Imagine the amount of hairtastic Cage rage we’d see on the streets.  Awkward mullets, semi-slicked back hair covering bald spots, etc.  It’d be the best of every single decade.  Ever.

You have any suggestions as to what Nic Cage could do if acting ceased to exist?

(Note: this is entirely theoretical, since if acting ceased to exist and Cage continued to exist, he would merely invent [or should I say re-invent] acting as he is the true master of it and controls its very essence.)


~ by Arik on August 29, 2008.

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