Bangkok Dangerous: Fake Review

I, sadly, have not seen Bangkok Dangerous yet.  I possibly won’t until the weekend, or maybe ever.  Given these depressing facts, I have decided to review Bangkok Dangerous regardless of whether or not I’ve seen it.  So here we go.

The film starts off staring into Nic Cage’s piercing blue eyes.  This is a serious man.  The camera zooms out, was looking in the mirror of a public bathroom in non-descript Asian country and splashes water on his face.  He picks up a suitcase and leaves.  A man falls through a stall door, blood spills out.  This is how the movie begins, the intro credits roll.  The intro scene here establishes that “Joe” is serious business.  And when you get tangled up into serious business, you get killed while sitting on the toilet.

After the intro credits (filled with Joe walking through non-decrypt Asian streets which we’ll assume are Hong Kong) are done, Joe speaks. “My name is Joe”.  We’ve all heard the line from the trailers and the theater goes wild.  This man is serious business.  He explains that he was once the world’s greatest salsa dance, but someone stole his groove.  Thus he became a hitman in an attempt to get it back.  He only has a few vague clues as to who took it, where, and why.  A white feather found floating in the air, a Hawaiian shirt that says “Made In Hong Kong”, and a plane ticket to a non-existent airport.

After years of hunting Asia for the maker of the shirt (which he has since started wearing with some khaki pants after selling every other article of clothing he owns), he has almost given up, when he meets a beautiful local who remembers making the shirt as a young girl in a sweatshop.  Now this may seem a bit coincidental, but remember, he’s serious business.  He gets stuff done.  The girl tells him she was under the employ of a ring of groove thieves whose goal is to to make the single greatest salsa dancer of all time and that they are even more serious business than he is, and that he should not go fight them because she loves him.  So now, Joe is faced with a decision: love or salsa dancing.

However, the solution is presented in a fantastic way- the ring is coming for him.  2 ninjas break through a window and attempt to slash him to bits.  Of course, Nic Cage is having none of this and finds that his old salsa moves come in handy when dodging crazed ninjas.  Then it hits him- he has had the groove all along- in his heart.  However the ring of groove stealers has kidnapped his Asian girl while he was fighting off the other ninjas.  There is a lady to save and a score to settle. The last shot is him walking into their headquarters with two handguns at his side and a walkman playing Sway by the Perez Prado orchestra.  “He then says “This is what I do.”  He’s serious business.


Thoughts: Joe is a serious man and means serious business.  The fusion of salsa and gunplay makes for jaw-shattering visuals, and Nic Cage’s acting is top notch.  I don’t know the name of the Asian actress who plays his lover, but she could’ve been replaced by a squeaking mouse for the same effect.  The directing is fantastic, and the allusions to both Hemingway and Dostoyevsky are spot on.

Overall rating: Five flaming Nic Cage skulls


~ by Arik on September 11, 2008.

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